"L" like Linda

This is really old stuff, I have been busy doin other things but I post this one now so just pretend that this was like 3 weeks ago and then I promise to keep you updated. I cant find anywhere in this city with good wifi so not so many pictures :( I wish I could write more but have no time now, life is a real rollercoaster down here, and probably the worst one I´ve been on so far. But there is definately some good days, but also some really dark ones. The worst thing is being away from my dog, I miss him so much. 5 weeks down. But this was really how I did feel a few weeks ago, on top of the world. And yes Im not so happy here to be honest, but I love the studio Im working at and really enjoy teaching here, its so different from the way Im used to teach but I will definaately learn a lot from being here. So I just wanted to make that clear :)


So here it goes, timetravel back 3 weeks now:

Oh guys I dont know where to start even, its been a lot going on. At least thats what i think :)
First is first I went to Budapest- Hungary with Tammy my boss, the studio owner of the yogastudio Im working at ien Vienna. We drove there and came there around 7pm. I took a walk around the old town where we stayed, it was absoulutely amazing, I dont know where to start even. WOW. Again im short of words, maybe for a poem that only I would understand but hey that place is so nice, the view over the city the castle, the danoube river there in the middle. I will go back for sure. Im totally stunned by that beauty, but also how the history kind of got to you, even though I dont know much about that at all, but you could feel it, it was in the air in the energy. Anyhow we had dinner and then I walked around a little again, stopped and listened to some guy playing Bob dylan along the river. It was a pretty fucking good nite that one :)







In the morning we went to Rajashrees seminar, She is one amazing woman. its like she says thing that you have been thinking about, but never figured out how to apply into real life or sometimes things that you were totally unaware of that it affect you and the way you live so much, even though we didnt stay that long. I left Budapest with so much new energy, good warm enegy and power. You yogis know what i mean. She is like that, so inspiring to us all. I also meet a lot of girls from my training which was so much fun, I never really talked to them in training, its so many people and you wont have time to get to know 400 people, but when I arrived in Budapest it was like we had been friends for a long time, they where all so nice and it was great to meet them again. We have been going through something toghether that noone else will ever understand. TT its like another planet lol...the Bikram planet. Taking Rajashrees class again took me back to TT, all the memories I have from that time its crazy. But her voice took me back to that ballroom at the end of TT and somehow gave me that strength back, bulletproff :) If you want to be loved you have to love yourself, and that is not just something that will come easy. You have to everyday make sure that you are aware of who you are, and yes live in the now. I mean even though I do want to be with someone, share life and memories with someone that feels exactly how I feel. I want to do it for the right reasons, and to make sure that Im not forgetting about who I am, or feel that I have to change to fit in to that persons life. Also happiness is something that will only come from inside, even though I of course know those things its so fucking easy to forget about it. And when life kinda moves on and you are occupied by other things, I often end up in the wrong direction. Luckily its getting easier and easier to find my way back to the place I need to be. But one thing Im sure not sunproof :) I got burned today so bad, my whole body is red and it hurts, I didnt even notice it until I got home. But wow I have missed the sun the heat the summer so much, it has been a long grey, rainy winter, this is like medicin for the soul :) I am so happy to be apart of this community of Bikram Yoga, wherever I go in the world I feel at home, everyone is so open its like we are one big family,

The weather here has been great, sunny, blue skys, and warm, today we hit 30 Im sure. So I woke up kinda disorientated because I just basically moved here and then after spending a night in Budapest I kinda felt like in m backpacking days, is this Vietnam or am I still in Cambodia :) well I am in Vienna and the weather was great this morning so I had some breakfast and packed my bag with water and a blanket. I have seen this park on the map just a few minutes walk from my flat, and really wanted to check it out. And wow I just found my favorite place in Vienna so far. Prater. Its a ”big” green park there, lots of trees and space for dogs to run around free, and dogs always maked me happy thats for sure.

I walked around for a while, and then I went to the horse racing track which is next to that park. I was lucky to be there on a racingday. So I introduced myself and they let me in to the stables. I found some really nice people in there. The track is not fancy or anything, its no Solvalla but no Falster either :)( nothing against Falster but you know what I mean) The track was in a pretty bad shape, but the horses looked good. Everyone was pretty impressed by the Swedish trainers and when I told them I have been working for Lutfi Kolgjini and Steen Juul they started to show me around in the stables, they even invited me to come and see Elitloppet over there. I havent been at a race or even in a stable for so long, and I have had no desire of going either. I used to love it with all my heart, it was my life for so many years. And I have been working for some really great people, and have had the oppertunity to train a few really good horses as well. But when the whole story with one of the swedish traininers and his way of training his horses came up, the way everything was forgotten and how he managed to get out of it made me sick, it broke my heart. We are working with animals because we love them, and being in a buisness with someone that uses illegal methods that is hurting the horses on a regular basis and then get away with it is not something I want to be a part of. But I do still love the sport and i know that there are amazing people out there who does it the right way. And today when I was at the track i really felt like home in a way. The smell, the speaker, the sounds and everything else. So I know where I be the last weekend in May :) back in my old shoes with my new friend Andrea and the other trainers. How funnny life is sometimes, you think that you left something behind, and when you least expect it, it will again be apart of your life.

And after that I walked back to the park and read a magazin and just chilled out. It felt like the whole city had found its way to that park, it was so crowded.

I have my first guest in my new home tonight, its the yoga world champion Yukari. Her practise is totally amazing, And she is such an nice and sweet person. I remember meeting her in LA a few months ago, there I was taking photos of her and here we are today having breakfast together in my flat :) Life is unprediteble for sure, its like that forrest gump thing lol, life is like a box of choklate :)

Ok that was my weekend, now Im off to Prater again before I teach a double tonight :)

"Get out of your head, its a bad neighbourhood"

So here Iam in the heart of Vienna. The city itselfes is breathtalking, so much history and beauty in one place is rare for a city, well at least to me, I usually find the nature like this but never a city. I can enjoy the pulse the energy and the intensety of a city but there is something different with Vienna. For starters there is no stress, people accualty wait for the green man when you cross a street :) and I feel like a villain when I walk for the red light, that is one bad habbit I have to get ride of, but for now I just cant find that peace within, I need to keep walking. Sorry Vienna, but I will learn, when in Rome right :)

Hemma på min gata i stan..............:) Yes this is my street, my gasse :) quite nice right?






I only been here for a few days, so I cant really give an honest opinion about anything, other than my first impressions was great, even though the rain was poring down on my arrival, i only have good things to remember from that first glimps of the city. And the yogastudio is great to, a very beautyful place inside out bones to skin. The place looks great, but most imprtantly the good energy is there. I might have written before about how excited i was about moving here and how welcome i felt before i came here. And nothing has changed I really do feel so welcome, and all the people I have meet so far is wonderful. Even though everything is so new to me, I feel so calm and thats whats so great about bikramyoga, wherever you go in the world you will have that safe place, where you know what to do. Its the practice I talk about. The teaching part will of course be different in different places but the heart of it all will always be the same. I have taught 4 classes so far, and it is amazing, its pure joy to be up there and i said it before I learn so much from teaching, every day i learn something new, to be humble for the challange we all face everyday, to trust yourself and to go beyond that comfortzone to let go of fear even though that might be the only thing that  makes you feel at home in your own now. I will as I tell the yogis sometimes use my time wisely. This oppertunity to grow as a person has come to me and I will make sure I wont let it go to waste.







With that said, I will now go and take class from one of the girls who went to same training as me Maria.

What is everything we feel? I just wonder because sometimes I just go with whatever, and trust that you-only-live-once mentality is right, and other times I get all serious and think that everything we do affect us later in life and maybe even in another life, and that we have to think before and not after we do things. It probably what and how most of you guys feel too right? Im not crazy or anything right??? :)

Well it does not really matter what I think cause most of time I just do and then think anyway. Somehow I do trust that I will make the right decision, even though it end up in kaos, later that little thing or action will give me something great, that I can use to help myself or others with. Or maybe it will just give me and my friends a good old laugh :) fair enough......

Like when I decided to give one of the straydogs in Kuta, Bali a home. Such a great idea, NOT :) But hey now I can think back on those crazy fucking times in Indo and say been there done that.



The other day I woke up, in my room that is a total mess at the moment, opened my eyes and realized that in less than 2 weeks I will wake up in Vienna, in a new world a new life even. Its not that I never lived alone or outside the swedish comfort zone before. It is with great excitement and joy that I look forward to Vienna, but Im also a little scared about teaching in a new studio, what if they dont like my class, what if I dont like it there, what if what if what if.......I have to stop that what if thinking...IF is a word never to be used in that kind of context, there is no if s unless you make it like that...Life is what you make it, not if you make it.

Im glad that I will go there without having to leave someone behind, I feel free like that at the moment, free like a bird. A lot of my friends are creating or more like finding out who they really are, it is so inspiring and I think maybe I should go deeper aswell, do yoga, run, meditate, just let go of all the fear of who I might find and just accept the person inside :) it is only love anyway, I dont understand why we are so affraid of it. LOVE.



Another thing that has been on my mind lately is honesty, I keep comming back to this subject. I dont care. What is honesty anyway, yes i wrote that here not long ago. But fuck, honesty is being true, of course it comes in different scapes and models, what if you just make things worse by being honest, or if you end up just hurting yourself, then maybe you should just shut up. BUT when someone has been lying to you for a long time and you find out about it later, what should you do? confront they person? just let it fo? make his or hers life a living hell? or just get over it? Im in this situation with two people that I used to love have been lying to me, it makes me angry and hurt, in general I dont keep secrets very good and not the once that is about me. But the problem here is that I have kept the same secret to one of them. So who am I to judge anyway. I just feel betrayed in one of these cases :) like i was not good enough to know the truth, which Im sure everyone else knows about, and that makes this whole situation a lot bigger than it was in the first place. In the other case with the second person that has lied to me, that was someone being an idiot not worthy my love anyway, so in that case I could just live with being hurt and move on. But back to this first person, I have been hit by karma big time -what goes around comes around. But in the end of the day it was all worth it, as I mentioned before I may do a lot of stupid things without thinking first but it will always lead to something great, and WOW this time it really did. I found a whole new world, in which I feel so happy, a little inexperienced but yet so comfortable and free. And I would never have made it there without a lie so whatever......maybe I just answered the whole thing just there, keep on lying to each other, you will get hit by the karmatornado but in the end it will all be worth it and you will dance, dance, dance :)))) Hope you understand what I mean here, get you shit together......



It does not matter what you do as long as you stay true to yourself and who you are.

Talk about inspiration wow. I just came from a lecture with the Swedish adventurers Fredrik Sträng and Lars Cronlund. They have both been up on the top of Mount Everest. I find those kinds of people so inspiring for many reasons. And a lot of what they were talking about today was of course their way up to the top of the highest summit in the world. But also how even that is 80% mental and 20% fysikal so intresting. They were talking a lot about when you set your mind to something it becomes possible, and that you shoulndt leave your dreams just keep working the right way and they will be real. Lars said and I loved it "everytime you try you become a little bit better, until you becomes the best". These guys have climbed Everest they do know what they are talking about, years of prepartions and sacrifiese to make a dream come true. The great thing with many adventurer is that they are so down to earth, and they always want to encourace people to go for their dreams, make them real even when the dream is the exact thing they just did. Wonderful I am so happy that I went all the way out to the university so hear them talk and to watch the movie about Everest which was filmed 1996, when the terrible accident happend up there and 8 people died. It was a great movie sad but also very intresting. Fredrik is gonna lead an expidition on Mount Everest next year and I will follow there prepartions with a great excitment. here is the movie if anyone want to see.




I needed this today so much. I saw that he was coming the other day and booked a ticked straight away. I had a moment a few days ago when I was walking down Skånegatan after work where I thought to myself, maybe Im not meant to live long and do all the things that I want, maybe I should just party like a rockstar for a few years and die young? What? What was I thinking? But you know what whenever I dont practice yoga or run or do something fysical for a few days that how I feel. Fuck the world lets get wasted. That what I used to do that probably why I do struggle at times with my self. And then after a long walk and a few hours training my dig yesterday and talking a class this morning I felt again reborn new and happy. And now after this lecture wow life is fucking good, and that dream I have I just gonna hang on to it, one day, one day it will all be mine.Up and down like a fucking rollercoaster. But what fun would it be without all this, NO fun at all.

I want to dye my hair pink, I had it for a little while last summer and I loved it, But moving to Vienna and all now kinda force me to wait and see what things will be like down there. I dont wanna loose my job just because of a haircolour. It would be pretty cool tho, the pink Im talking about is of course Strawberry blond, its just really light pink, think I posted a pic here berfore of the beautiful Kirsten with a cool haircolour
here it is,




Well lets see what happends, I did bleach my hair the other day but it does not feelgood at all. But on the other it never does, it always taked like 3 weeks before Im ever happy with my hair after going to the the hair dresser.

Thats it for now Good night....

Maybe I was being a bit drastic again with what I wrote, of course I will be happy, Im happy right now Iam. Its just sometimes those days you know that we all have, the dark and heavy days when we wonder what we are doing here. Anyway life is a fucking mystery, never to be solved.

I know I write a lot about teaching and what that is like, but thats my job,my life, my love, my passion at the moment, so what not too write about that. I learn so much about myself everyday from teaching. Today I was teaching the 8pm class, the late classes are usually my favorites because the mix of people practining at that time. Some that take the yoga so seriously that nothing could get them out of balance, the ones that come running from work, rolls out their mats and then totally die after balancing stick, the double troubles :) and yes I can go on forever, this is of course what everyclass contains, but somehow I feel like the latenight classes are a littlebit more like that.
Anyway the class starts, the heat was really low and the energy was kinda tired when I first walked in, but I saw some familiar faces and took someof their smiling happy energy to my help. I start the class and see this woman in her 50s wearing a watch, and that is something that I totally dispite in my class, that almost illegal, I coulndt help to feel a bit offended by it, but what a fuck it had nothing to with me, but still, its yoga lady, you do not bring a watch in to the hotroom and that that,so I tell her to take it off, she look at me like she wants me dead, take off her watch and throws it down on her mat.
After awkward this other woman in my age, turnes too me and asks load and clear, in swedish, where is the abdominal muscles?, fair enough, but I was just a little supriced by the question in the middle of class, but hey no problem, I give her an answer and go on with second set.
As the class goes on I get these angry looks from the woman with the watch, and its just bothers me a lot, even though I try to let it go. I try to look at all the other amazing, beautiful students, make some jokes and just trying to give them a nice, good, fun yogaclass. And then I forget about her finish the class with a long quiet savasana, just beautiful silence for a few minutes.
After class I have several students coming up to me thanking for a great class, one person even telling me how much she enjoys the class, I feel all warm inside, what a great job this is, I have fun, I learn, I grow as a person and as a teacher and at the very same time I see the change in people, their practice, their selfesteem and the way the look at them selfes, and sometimes just a nice and sweety workout all that in one class, amazing. As I walk up the stairs I meet the woman with the watch, she tells me that she did not like my class, I talked to much, to fast, in english which she did not like and so on, I of course take the critic and tell her that we have a lot of different teachers and you may like some more than others. There was not an arguement or anything like that she left and everything was ok. After that I stayed in the studio talking to two girls that have been talking my class a lot, one even says Im her favorite teacher, wow I cant belive its true, but anyway I talk to them about the yoga, about life for a while. Those moments are so wonderful, never would I have thought that I could feel like this. I love this yoga and everything it have given me, and now people come to me and ask for advice how to go further, tell stories about their lifes amazing stories, personal, sometimes so sad and heartbreaking but at the same time inspiring. Where was I going with this loooong story, yes even though all this happend to me just a few hours ago, The only thing I could think about when I tried to sleep was that woman with the watch and why she didn´t like my class, what did I do to make her feel like that? And even though I know that you can never make everyone satisfied I feel so bad when things like this happen. It had probablynothing to with me anyway. Thats why I felt that I had to write this down because now looking at this written downI feel great, amazing. One of the most important things when being a bikramyoga teacher is to always every class remember that its not about you, its about the students. You are the most important person in your life, and we already know that, now its up to us to make them realize that about themselfes. Thats when the real yoga begins.

Life is beautiful...............now time too sleep and get ready for the 7am class toes on the line :)

17th of April thats the date when I start working in Vienna. It is so close only a little more than a month to go. It feels surreal for sure. I have now been here in Stockholm with a few month here and there, but I have had my homebase in Stockholm since the end of 2006 which is a fucking long time, so much longer than  I ever thought i would, but yes life happend and I found a lttle bit of peace and happiness here for a while. That is gone though totally gone. I think I have even given up looking for it anymore. I doubt that I am that kind of person that will find that, love peace and happiness. I just one of those people that are most happy being unhappy maybe. Of course I will find it again for a short time, but I don't think that it will be forever, because nothing is, nothing. There must be a reason to why I always or most of the time fall in love with the wrong people, the ones that never feels the same, people that are not even worth love of that kind. Maybe a bit harsh but fuck its the truth.

One of my best friends, no my very best friend have been having those moments lately where life is so beautiful and precisous things like dancing on a rainbow, and when falling down from it landed in guld, happend to her. And once things start to change and happend like that, you are on the right path, its just life leading the way. But stuff like that just don't happend of course, and they will definaltely not happen if you just sit around waiting for it.

I feel that Vienna will be the change I need in my life. Stockholm will always be a wierd place for me to live in, I will never forget what happend here many years ago, its like a scar that I can't always see but I know its there and somedays it will hurt like hell. There will always be that hole in the ground that I will be scared to fall into. Its a long story, and this is not the time nor the place to tell. But I died and I was reborn, let's just leave it like that. Im sure most people carry around scars that will never let them forget, and thats probably good too. Some things are not meant to be forgotten, the memories and the pain are there to remind us where not to go. We will definaltely do the same mistakes more than once but there will be that time when its just enough.

Anyway let's talk about something more uplifting shall we? :)
I taught my 100 class this Saturday, what do you know, fucking crazy. As you know i lost my voice that same week, back it came back kinda :) and I taught 2 classes that day, the energy was great, smiling happy faces and a lot of people I knew was in the classes. I still love it, teaching, it gives me so much. Everyday is so different, and its still so much to learn, every class I try something new, small things that people won't even notice but for me it huge :) And I really love how the more I give in there, the more I get back, in the yogaroom but also after. I wish that I could be better with keeping those feelings of pure happiness throughout the day. But that will come...

laters................

My voice is still fucked, I don't really know how too get better, well its a little bit better than yesterday, but its been days now. So frustrating though. But its been pretty nice to sleep in everyday, havent done that in soooo long, because sleeping is the best medecin for this thing, cause then its so easy to be quiet :) as I said fuck its hard walking around a whole day without saying a word.



BUt from one thing to another I feel so much better now, happy, excited about Vienna and all the other things that will be there LIFE.....Im nervous about moving there of course but in a good way. As a brand new teacher I have no idea what studios expect of me, I mean well I can teach a class get them in and out. But as I was reading on facebbok today, a lot of teachers from my training seems to know the whole additional dialouge and no I don't. Really have to get started with all that. Before I make up to much of my own shit for second set. I like teaching the dialouge and wanna keep it verbatum as much as possible for as long as possible. But I guess we are all different and maybe Im good at other stuff, I really think it will take years before I can honestly say that  Im teaching yoga. And also my own practice needs to improve a lot. I hope that I will have a lot of time to practice in Vienna, and I will also start to run, its a great way to get to know a new city, me and my friend Frida did that when we lived in Sydney, we ran through botanical garden, kings cross, the opera house yes the most of the beautiful Sydney. And we were not alone, that city is so atlethic everyone seemed to be doing something, swimming,running, yoga and sooo on. But also a LOT of partying lol......ohh OZ I miss you, hope that I can go there soon for a few month just teaching yoga and have a blast like in the old days. Maybe I have been Felling so sad, anxyios and angry because of the fullmoon, beacuse today I feelso much lighter when its here the beautiful fullmoon. I usually get affected my the moon, had plans on going to a fullmoon meditation but my lack of speaking ability kinda set it off...next time I will do it. I believe that the moon and the stars is powerful and if I can get in contact with my emotions during a fullmoon meditation I think i will feel better.



To something new again, today its the International womens day. Many many years ago I was very political or I guess I thought I was :) being very young and naiive, but when I look back at that time I do feel that its so great that young people do get involved in politics, even tho many of my opinions have changed since then, I glad that I got too see that world a little bit from the other side. How people look at young especially girls with opinions. With a laugh, a pat on the head or just a big fucking foot that is stepping right on them. It wasent that many years ago 10-15 years ago, and I hope that much have happend, but it probably has not. I know women in deveoping countries has it so much worse in a way that we never can imagine, but it is also only with the help of us in this part of the world that they will have a better life. So the importance of that should not be underestimated. After my time as a young girl with a big mouth :) I spent so many years working in stables where as we all know is a world where girls/women are overrepresented. But its the men who stands out, its the men that get all the credit, it is so wrong. I have noticed that since I stopped working with horses the media has acctually put a lot more attention too the people behind each horse, the people who train the horses get them ready for races, and also A few more girls have got the oppertunily too be in the light, driving races and that is great. but its is still such a loooong way left in that buisness so long. When I was working with it I never had the time or the guts to even bother about the situation, and I was lucky as I was working for one of best trainers in Denmark, and he was a great man, and always made sure that we got the attention that we deserved to media, to the owners and others.
Where was i going with this? I don't know, maybe that now getting older and more aware of what is going on around me I again feel a little of what I felt when I was younger. I love getting stronger and being able to look back on my life with new eyes, not judging just observing, learning and more open to changes. They will come, and sometimes even changes that you once swore you would never do, but one thing I have learned is that what is right will always win, even though we will make the wrong choises time after time. In the end of the day we will always find our way back, ( to the line where we started:)

I know the International day is not about how beautiful people are. At least not on the outside, but I don't care I can celebrate both today, and thats that.......Women are great is so many ways

Yesterday, don't worry that was not something that just happned, it is what it is, and sometimes Im happy that I feel like I do, those time of darkness are very very creative, I write and I write. It feels like there is no end to what I can come up with, being In contact with thoughts and feeling that deep inside is rare. If I ever give myself the time to really work on how to channel all that I feel I know that I could create a masterpiece if some kind. It is frightening and scary, sad and probably stupid buts its me, a part of who I am and can change the way I react, but whats comes from inside will always be the same. And rather embrace and love it, than be ashamed.



Anyway, I just got a call from the future, my future in Vienna, they want me start in April, which is fantastic, I have a few things that I have to make sure is taken care of before I give the final answer, But hell yes I wanna go in April...
My hole being is ready, to start over and get the new life on in a city that I have never been before. A city that is so beautiful and full of art. VIENNA.



From one thing another, I have no cero none voice left. Im not kidding I cant even say Hi now, what am I gonna do. After teaching a tripple yesterday again I woke up with this voice or I mean with this no excisting voice.
My teaching felt so bad for a while, but the last 10 classes have felt amazing again. The energy the smiles and all the questions after class gives me so much. Having new people in class that gives you the evil eye the whole 90 minutes and after class comes up and give you hug, thanking for an amazing class and a promise to come back again the day after, which they do and the next day and next and so on...So magic...Well it will come back, I caught myself thinking that I could use a few days of and well be careful what you wish for, you might just ending up getting it, which I totally did.....4 days or more without speaking, fuck i never realized how much I talk, all the fucking time. Noticed that even when Im alone I do talk with my dog, or signing or reading poems out loud. Or yes the last -year the dialouge. In some strange way this all might be a part of my journey to become more compteble to be alone again, silence is a blessing, a gift that I cant handle jet.



Vienna will be the beginning of something new. Something that started when I came back from LA. Teacher Training opened up my eyes for so many things, some good and some bad. I left so much there that I no longer needed to carry around. Also being in a place with so many different people gives you the oppertunity to be you. The person you want to be, cause in the company of old friends and family you will always be that person you once was. But being there and honestly just feel what I needed not what anyone else expected me to feel made me realize something about myself that I have known, but always unconsciously been so scared of seeing. Its is freedom, but some of those things that kind of changed in LA also have given me sleepless nights and broken friendships. But as it goes, you have to go through hell to get to heaven. Not that I would say that Im in hell, I happy now, its just life the unpredicteble, rollercoaster that im blessed with :)

Everybody has got something, this is me..............
The dark, sometimes I just sink into these dark holes and don´t know how to get out of it. I know I lucky I have everything you can dream of. BUt still that is never enough.
I fear the day when Im happy, because then Im bored and thats when I mess it up always. I need a little kaos always around me to be free. But it does not always include these dark periods of time.
I have now come to a point where i cant be alone, for the first time in years i was alone or 3 days, I lost my voice I could not speak and I had noone to turn too. I danced in too the weekend with a big smile, I was gonna have so much fun do this and that. BUt it all just ended up being me the dark cold fritening silence, the kind that loud music can't take away, it even makes it harder, I was sitting on the floor covered in a blanket crying, shivering and so scared of being alone that I thought I was gonna die, right there on the spot.
It is so easy to judge this but please don't. I dont even know why I put this out there, I just need to somehow feel something other than the plain sorrow that always connects anxiety with real life. Why is it so hard to be alone now, I used to love it.spending hours with myself writing, reading,painting but now its not possible. But that was many many years ago. Maybe its time to master silence, lonelyness again. Especially when it comes to writing its so creative with a little something to make the mind go away to new unexplored alleys, but is it real. I mean of course its real, but when what is more real than fear? I go in and go out of these periods sometimes its like I can checkmy self out of them and become someone something else, but i know that I have to get back there again, to finish something that I don't know what it is, or how to find it. I can be out of it for days, just living the perfect life. Then suddely its time to pay the bill for being happy. I do jump in to things without thinking, then I don't care that I feel too much and then I let myself get hurt or I do it to myself purposly. Looking back to it Its so easy too see what i could have done instead but in that very moment there is no answers like that, the question is not even being asked, because I never wonder wheather its right or wrong, It just is, and there and then that is so painfully beautiful and perfect that not a sigle soul would have thought the differ.

Its been a while, my computer decided to leave us. But I found my laptop again. So now finally I can write again.

Ok I have to start with the great fucking news: I got a job in VIENNA.Im am so happy about this, now i can finally start my new life, travel the world and teach yoga. I don't know if I ever find the place I will call home. But it does not matter Im happy anyway. And sometimes I have to make sure that this all is not a dream :)

Would you say, when, is it just temporary?
is this what you mean
will it end
will it be a part of you of us
that hunt is like air, thin air
its hard to breathe and harder to see

I know why
I just don't
I can't

It is not time that I ask for
neither do you

Would you say why even though there is no answer?

I feel so free, almost like never before. I feel like I have no fear for things that used to scare the hell out of me. I have been hurt so many times now that the only thing that was left to do was to let go of fear and be VULNERABLE and naked to whatever comes my way. The future will be there no matter what, and no reason to try to control something, that I wanna change anyway. The harder I tried to let go of things the harder it got, spending all that time thinking about what not to do or what not to think about was eating me up. Interpret someone else's truth is not what we are ment to do, ever. I don't care about honesty, what is that anyway?



So just a few weeks left until Vasaloppet ( it is a 90 km crosscountry skiingrace, in Sweden) I havent been skiing for years, but i figure Bikramyoga is enough, I mean if you are bulletproff, how hard can that race be? I guess I will find out, if I survive. Honestly Im a little bit nervous, its pretty fucking far :) 90 km on skiies, HELP




Other than that I hope that I soon have some really good news too share with you soon, stay tuned :)

To start with WOW I just taught a class, the best fucking class ever, or at least one of them, the energy was so great, people worked their ass of and I was just happy smiling the whole time. I love those classes so much. i usually don't teach the late classes and the energy is so different in them, people are so stocked about being there and they really want us teachers to "kill them" for 90 min. I just loveit. Felt like I was totally drained from energy, but the whole time new fresh energy kept coming my way. You get what you give. So true, and in this case i just got it at the same time as I was giving. Easy.
I also felt today how much has happend since that first terrifying class, Im no longer scared or crazy nervous. Just little nervous, but i would rather call it excited I think, and i don't worry about doing wrong, which makes me do less mistakes. Well when i taught yesterday I said in balncing stick- right arm step forward, a big step LOL.....
Nobodys perfect haha. teaching is so great and how its changing all time. I will be honest there was a few days not long ago, where I felt so bored and unhappy with teaching, someone gave me some really unfair feedback and I could just feel how all that happiness and wonderful energy just melted of my heart. But If you let someone steal your peace you are the loser, so I kept doing what i was doing and now, its all fine, no not fine its fucking fantastic.....

I have a lot of HUGE decisions to make the next couple of days and weeks, the really lifechanging ones. I can feel that something so great and amazing is waiting for me down the streets and i know that even if the first one I go with is not the right one, the next one will or the next. Its just about not giving up, not being scared of the new and unheard.........LETS MAKE LOVE